Thursday, January 28, 2016

Forgetting How To Lose Myself In A Book & Popularity

     A thought has crossed my mind several times through the past few days, and I figure that it's time to type it out. To explain it, to both you, and me. I need to figure out why this one thought has itched at my skin and made my brain tremble. This one eerily simple thought, the thought of, "Why can't I lose myself in a book anymore?" I've always loved reading. Growing up, I devoured books like they were food, but suddenly, I feel as if reading has become a chore, and I want to insist over and over that I still love reading, but something has changed. The worst part is, I think I know what has changed.

     During the summer of 2015, I was going into eighth grade, I decided that I wasn't going to deal with the person I had become. A girl weighed down by drama, and defined by her nerd-iness. I didn't like myself, I really didn't and at the time, I thought it was better to try and become popular. Popular, powerful, confident, all the same thing to me at the time. So I changed. I wore more makeup, wore contacts, and I became the nicest person I could be. I smile, and try to be nice to everyone, and I try to hide my opinions so that they don't bother other people. I thought this would help. I really did. Today I look back on this, just writing this, reading this, it sounds terrible. It sounds sick, and awful, but yet it happened, and I was happy it happened. Becoming popular, being friends with the cool kids, controlling everything, it came with a price, and when this school year first started, I was happy to pay my due.

     The price tag that hung upon my article of popularity, asked for my hobbies, passions, and my personality. Today, I am sweet, and kind, and funny, and a great person. I'm also an terrible person. I don't make my own opinions, and always fear what people think of me, and always fear what I say and do. I don't want to make any mistakes. Being popular, it consumed me. I also lost the ability to share my passions. I'm trying to overcome it, but it's the constant fear of being judged for liking fountain pens, and books, and the crazy stuff I like. I still do, and use, and enjoy my hobbies and passions, but I feel like I have to hide it from others. I also feel I lost part of my personality. I lost my history, which wasn't always happy, and had tons of drama, but with this I lost my sarcastic jokes, and little habits that made me, well, me. Just another thing to explain to people that everything comes at a price.

     Now, I want to explain that I am not blaming this on popular kids, or anything, I'm honestly blaming it on myself. I don't believe popularity is a bad thing either. The bad thing, is when people are consumed by it. I decided that I needed "Natasha 2.0", and that made me into, literally, a robot. I'm terrified, and fearful, of myself. I want to become special now, but I feel like I've locked myself in a box by being so innocent, and stupid, to fall in the hands of obsession. Popularity has pros, and cons, just like everything, and I fully, completely encourage folks to look at what they're paying for before they buy it.

     To further explain this, I want to establish how I've forgotten how to lose myself in a book. I can no longer sit down and really get into the dream-like reading state I had before becoming "2.0" I read for half an hour everyday, and when I used to get maybe twenty five minutes of losing myself while reading, I get maybe five to ten now. It hurts, to have lost the ability to really read a book. So, I'm slowly teaching myself to savor the words, and learning how to truly read again. I loved losing myself, and now I feel like I'm stuck in my body, no longer able to visit characters in their worlds anymore.

     Wrapping this all up in a bow, I've forgotten how to lose myself in a book, and the thought has bugged me, and I realize why. Perhaps now it's times to find myself, my passions again. Yes, I'd like to remain popular, but I really do want to lose the fear I live with. So, as I learn to lose myself in a book, I'm also learning to be myself. Maybe I am starting at step one, but soon enough, I'll be way past where I used to be. I'll be at step fifteen instead of ten, and then I'll love myself. I love myself more than anyone's loved themselves before. All because I learned how to truly read. So, I believe it's time to get going on step one.

Falling head first into my little world, Natasha