Monday, November 16, 2015

Why I Broke Up With My Best Friend

Hey guys! I know it's been a while, and I'm truly sorry, but I'm going to jump right back into my post here. Instead of just a book blog, this is going to be my blog and it's going to just be whatever I want to write about. When I had conformed to bring a book blog, I lost the happiness I had in my blogging. Now I'm back and I'm going to write about what I want to write about. Today I'm going to tell you the story about why I broke up with my best friend and how it ended up benefiting me. *Names have been changed My best friend, Kayla*, and I had been friends for just two or three years, but we were practically the same person. We knew each other so well, we were so close. We hardly looked alike, but people got us mixed up. I considered us sisters. I knew her situations and problems and dreams and she knew mine. We had inside jokes that made no sense to others and I loved her. We had been through so much together. She was shy, somewhat socially awkward. I was the butterfly, I found friends and talked, and Kayla was always by my side. I was a nerd though, so I talked books with Kayla, and normal things with others. We were awkward and funny and we were forever. We were everything, and soon to be nothing. 

I know this next statements seems cruel, but we honestly knew each other so much, there was nothing more to talk about. Finally, she got a boyfriend, Jared* in 7th grade. I didn't. At first we would all talk together. Soon she would only talk to Jared and not me. I talked to Jared, and to this day, we are friends, but slowly Kayla faded from my life. She would walk with me to classes, but we never talked. Hardly ever talked. We were stuck together with glue, and for me it was the most painful experience ever. I wasn't the best friend I could have been, I admit that. I was angry at her and blamed it on her that she never talked to me, or hung out with me, but when I confronted her with my anger at being alone, it just started fights. Soon I noticed her withdrawing from even talking with our mutual friends. I talked, okay, more targeted her with anger at her quietness. The worst part about it all, in my mind, was that all our conversations, mostly fights, were all over text messages.

"Why don't you talk to me?! I always feels so alone. All you ever do is talk to Jared, and never me. God, I thought we were best friends."
I would say, and she would reply with something along the lines of,
"Whenever I do, you seem to ignore it! You only want to hear good things, and my life isn't always sunshine and daisies like yours. Even when I have something good to say, you don't care." 
We can all see that I wasn't the greatest friend to her, and she wasn't the greatest friend either. It was a mutual toxic friendship. In my mind, we were just sort of forced to be together at this time. People had seen us be friends the entire 7th grade year, and now at the end we just had to carry through. I couldn't last it though. I started to feel really down and blue. It wasn't a depression, but I wasn't in a normal mood either. I felt alone, abandoned, and betrayed. We both started to slowly pull apart from each other, not sitting by each other, not really doing anything with each other. She hung by herself, and I hung out with my other friends. It was like our unspoken, mutual decision to just stop being friends. I never thought it was completely over, I still had strings tied to Kayla, and if I wanted to move on, those strings needed to be cut. 

It was after a few weeks that I decided to end our friendship. It wasn't even a friendship anymore, and I didn't feel the need to have the strings still attached to me. So I planned, and planned, and I remember that day quite clearly. It was chilly, and we were standing outside our school, on the stairs. I recited my little speech about how I just think it wasn't working out. I explained that I didn't want it to be awkward between us, but I thought that we should end out friendship. I then further explained how down I felt, and how it'd be better to separate. Kayla agreed, and that was that. She went and started talking to another girl, and I went off with my friends. That's when I finally broke up with my best friend.

I thought, and still do think about her. It's hard not to, I mean, we go to the same school! We've both moved on though. We don't talk much, and we're two different people now. Kayla has her friends, I have mine. As much as it hurt to let go, it was for the best. As soon as we ended the relationship, my sad feelings started to gradually faded, and I felt happy. There was no longer pounds and pounds of feelings on my shoulders. No more guilt, sadness, and pain. It's not easy losing a friend, but sometimes it's better to move on. Otherwise you'll be stuck dragging along a whole lot of pain. I'm not saying if a friendship isn't working out to automatically give up, but more saying to think about it. I thought long and hard about breaking up with Kayla for weeks. We had repaired our friendship many times before, and it was my choice after hours of indecision to let it crumble apart. Throughout that whole experience, I learned a lot about myself, and friendship in general. I will always cherish the memories I have of Kayla, but I also moved on. Use these types of experiences, especially in middle school, to propel you forward. Don't hold back, but take it in stride. Losing a friend helped me gain some self awareness, and some self peace. Always remember that you can be a better you today than you were yesterday.

Peace out from my little world, Natasha

Thanks for reading! Any comments, messages, thoughts, will be appreciated and might be replied to.